


this wonderful mess that we've made

by ohmygodwhy



Series: a lesson in new beginnings [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, jet has a hella crush, war child au, war with real consequences
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmygodwhy/pseuds/ohmygodwhy
Summary: That’s what they’re doing: they’re disappearing. They have new names and new clothes a new roof over their heads; they have a job where they work and make money to keep their tiny hut of a house, and they don’t know anyone here. This city is going to kill him.(snapshots of half a life built by broken people)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm getting sick and have been in a Lowkey Jetko Mood lately and decided this would be a good idea i guess?? so have a few loosely related chapters of some emotionally repressed kids?? 
> 
> (again, p loosely inspired by that [war children au](http://white-knuckle.livejournal.com/81347.html) au you gotta take a look at my man)

 

 

_He wept. He promised a ‘new start.’_

_I made no comment. What should I resent?_

 

Back when Zuko was younger, when everything was clear and the world was how it should be, the city of Ba Sing Se was just a concept to him. He knew it had to be real, because Uncle and Lu Ten had to be off somewhere, but, like the war as a whole, it was very vague—he only heard about it in stories. It didn’t have much impact on him otherwise. 

He thought it must be a great city, if it had kept Uncle occupied this long—Uncle was a legend in his own right, he was a Dragon, so if he was having this much trouble conquering it, it must have been something. 

Later, after Lu Ten died and Uncle came home, Zuko thought it must be a horrible city, if it could take away a person like his cousin and break a man like Uncle. Even later, after his father ruins him and the world turns upside down, Zuko doesn’t know what to think about it.

Now, with a bounty on their head and Azula after them and Jet looking at him like he understands, Zuko thinks that this city is going to kill him. 

They manage to get through security quick enough (it’s incredible, Zuko thinks, that no one recognizes them—Uncle almost conquered the city less than a decade ago, and Zuko’s scar isn’t exactly unrecognizable—and it’s almost laughable how easily two members of the actual royal family can slip into the _impenetrable city_ ), and Uncle manages to nab an apartment in the middle of the lower ring. It’s a tiny thing, smaller than the damn courtyard back home, and it takes the better part of a day to sweep all the dust off the floor and get the sink working. Zuko hates it. 

Uncle also manages to get them a job—at a tea shop, of course, and Zuko shouldn’t be surprised. He isn’t, not really. If Uncle had to do one job for the rest of his life, it would definitely involve tea in some way. It’s kind of comforting to know that some things never change, even if places and names do. It doesn’t mean he has to like it, though.

And he doesn’t like it—the shop is tiny, too, and the aprons are stiff and ridiculous and the owner stared at his scar too long and gave him some kind of look that was way too close to pity before he hired them, and Zuko doesn’t even know how to _make_ tea (well, he knows how to in _theory_ , because when Uncle came home from the war he was very sad and very fragile the first few months, and he would give Zuko step by step instructions with shaky hands, and showed him how to lay out lotus tiles and repeat phrases that he said might help him someday, and Zuko never had the heart to turn him down, because these things seemed really important to him—but he’s still just not very good at it). 

Uncle says they should be grateful they found a job so quickly, but Zuko can’t feel grateful whenit’s just one more step into disappearing. 

That’s what they’re doing: they’re disappearing. They have new names and new clothes a new roof over their heads; they have a job where they work and make money to keep their tiny hut of a house, and they don’t know anyone here and this city is going to kill him. This city is going to make him disappear—and he doesn’t wanna disappear, he wants to go home, but he can’t go home because Father doesn’t want him to come home, Father wants him locked up and out of the way. And besides, ‘ _this is our home, now’_ Uncle says, ‘ _this is a chance to start over, make a new life,’_ and Zuko doesn’t _want_ to make a new life, he doesn’t want to make a life here in this overcrowded city that’s going to kill him, but there’s nowhere else to go that their own nation won’t find them, so he has to. 

He can’t bend here, doesn’t know when he’ll ever be able to bend again, and he never knew it would bother him so much to be disconnected from his element, but he feels like he’s burning up half the time. The other half, he feels like whatever fire’s been keeping him going this long has gone out. This city is going to kill him. 

Jet shows up at the end of the first week. 

Zuko thinks he probably should have expected him, even if he didn’t want to. It was hard to look at Jet, and hard to talk to him. Every time he did, he thought about the things Jet had said to him on the ferry, and when they got off the ferry, and the things he had assumed, and things he had promised, and the way he had looked at him—like he understood, like he could ever understand.

“I take after my mother.” he had said, voice pitched low and sympathetic, “I assume you don’t much take after yours, though, huh?” 

And in theory, in _theory,_ he knew what war left behind, he knew about kids who weren’t quite Fire and weren’t quite Earth, but to have it thrown in his face like that was just—a lot. 

And when Jet said, “You don’t have to be ashamed of it, trust me. You aren’t alone in this,” and Zuko really thought about what it implied, and what it implied about _him,_ he—it was hard to breathe, and he hurried away too quick. He tried not to think about it as running away. 

It was weird, having someone look at him like that, having someone trust him so easy like that. He hadn’t been offered that much in a long time. For a very very small moment, he wanted to accept. But then he remembered who he was—who he _is,_ who he still is—and knew he couldn’t. 

Jet shows up anyways. 

“I thought I told you no,” Zuko says, irritated, and Jet just shrugs. 

“I’m just here for some tea,” he says innocently, “Job hunting isn’t easy, y’know.” 

“If you didn’t sit around drinking tea, maybe you’d find one faster.”

He laughs at that, like Zuko had made a joke, and says, “Probably. But word on the street is your uncle’s a regular tea makin’ master.”

Zuko snorts, “Don’t tell him, it’ll just go to his head.” 

Jet laughs again, rolling his toothpick (?) between his teeth, and Zuko ignores the voice that tells him it’s a pretty nice laugh. 

He shows up again a few days later. 

“It really is great tea,” he says in explanation, “Plus, I really think the apron’s a good look for you.”

Zuko tells him to hurry up and get a damn job. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feedback keeps me alive tbh


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko’s never really known how to be delicate with these things, and he’d rather not dart around a bunch of further questions, so he just shrugs again and says, “It’s his son’s birthday today. His son is dead.”
> 
> (aka zuko actually opens up a little and jet is actually a p good listener)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am Sick™ and Exhausted™ so that's my excuse for writing more of this mess and sorry is it's a little all over the place
> 
> set probably week or two after the last chapter

_ But all folks are damaged goods, _

_ It ain’t a talk of if, just one of when and how _

 

The days are very long here. The days have been long for the last three years, but they’re especially long here, in this damn tiny shop. 

He sweeps and takes orders and waits on tables and does the dishes and never actually makes any of the tea because he still isn’t any good at it, and the hours stretch so long it feels like time is moving backwards.

Sometimes it’s better when it’s crowded, because things move quicker when he has more to do, but today is one of those days that lasts an eternity and wears him out even though he hardly does anything. 

He barely has it in him to look bothered when Jet shows up at his usual time, walks up and leans against the table, causal as ever. He looks tired too. Everyone looks tired in this damn city.

“You look like you wanna kill yourself.” Jet says in greeting.

“I’ve come close a few times, now,” Zuko agrees absently. 

Jet grins that amused little grin of his, “Busy day?” he asks. 

“Not really,” Zuko admits, “but customers are complaining because the tea _‘isn’t as good as usual’,_ and Pao’s getting all grumpy because _he’s_ the one making the tea today. And when Pao’s in a bad mood he has to make everyone else feel shitty too, I guess.” 

Jet smiles wryly, “Is your uncle not here today?” and goes, “Huh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a day off.” when Zuko shakes his head. “What’s he up to?”

Zuko just shrugs, “Said he was going out; don’t know where.”

“Why?”

Zuko’s never really known how to be delicate with these things, and he’d rather not dart around a bunch of further questions, so he just shrugs again and says, “It’s his son’s birthday today. His son is dead.”

“…Oh,” Jet says after a long pause, “I’m so sorry.” And then, “I didn’t know he had a son.”

Zuko frowns, because he doesn’t have the energy to scowl and he doesn’t wanna talk about Lu Ten like this, with someone who didn’t know him, because here he wouldn’t even be able to explain who he was and what he died for and his cousin was worth more than that.

“Well he did,” he says, “and now he doesn’t.”

A pause. “Did he die in the war?”

“Of course he died in the war,” he snaps, “everyone dies in the war now.”

“Was he–?”

“Can we _not_ talk about this?” Zuko cuts in, “you didn’t know him, you aren’t really sad about it, so just stop, okay?”

Jet winces, but falls blessedly silent, actually looking a little guilty.

“Sorry,” he says after a few moments, “guess I can be kinda insensitive sometimes.”

_“Kinda,”_ Zuko repeats under his breath, and they fall into a sort of companionable silence. 

It feels like Jet’s waiting for something, and kind of like he’s not waiting for anything, like he’ll just sit and listen if Zuko wants him to, or talk if Zuko lets him, and Zuko never understands why Jet acts this way around him when he hasn’t exactly been the most welcoming person. After a good five minutes and three tables served later, Zuko finds himself talking.

“He was in the army,” he says, and ignores the faint surprise on Jet’s face before it’s schooled into polite curiosity, “he fought here, actually, in Ba Sing Se—died right before,” he has to catch himself before he says _uncle_ , “before the Dragon of the West called off the siege.”

_“Jeez,”_ Jet mutters, “no wonder you hate this place.”

Zuko just shrugs, because he isn’t exactly wrong.

“Uncle was…” he pauses, marvels at the fact that he’s actually talking about this, “well, it destroyed him. It was like he was a different person, like he was barely there. Sometimes I was afraid—I don’t know, that he might just disappear one day? It was stupid, but it was scary, too.”

Jet just hums some understanding noise, and Zuko thinks that he probably does understand, that he’s been a part of this war up close and personal for a long time. Made some bad choices because of it, Zuko remembers him saying.

“It’s been—what, six years now? Today’s been getting better, easier each year, but it’s still. Bad. For Uncle, especially.”

“For you too, though, right?” Jet adds softly, “He was your cousin, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah, but.” Zuko hesitates, “He was way older than me. I always used to bug him about playing with me, and he never got annoyed once. I hadn’t seen him in a few years when he died, though.” he adds.

“But you still have a right to be sad about it, Li—you know that, right?”

“I guess.” he says dismissively, “But Uncle still deserves his day off.”

“Never said he didn’t.” Jet says easily, “But you gotta let yourself grieve, too. You should let yourself feel these things, or you’ll never get over them.”

Zuko does have the energy to scowl this time, “You suddenly an expert or something?”

“Nah, no expert. Just…experience.” his voice turns soft, regretful, “I turned all my grief into anger, and it didn’t end well. The whole ‘almost flooded a village thing’, remember?”

“Well,” Zuko murmurs, “I used to be _great_ at being angry.”

“Not anymore?”

“I mean, I can get plenty angry now, but it’s not the same.” Zuko pauses to collect his thoughts, “Before it was like…burning, like it would never stop, but now it’s just. _There_ , sort of.”

“I get that,” Jet says after a moment, “It’s this damn city—you can be mad all you want but it won’t change a damn thing, here, right?”

“Yeah,” Zuko says, and thinks, quietly, that Jet knows what he’s feeling, somehow, that he understands, “something like that.”

 

Later, when Zuko drags himself home, he slides their apartment door open slowly, quietly; if Uncle is asleep, he doesn’t want to wake him, and if he’s not asleep, he doesn’t want to bother him.

Uncle isn’t asleep. He’s sitting, hands folded on his knees before the table near the window. There is the one picture of Lu Ten that he knows he always carries with him propped on the table, two candles lit on either side of it.

Uncle looks up when he steps in. His eyes are dry, thank the spirits; Zuko doesn’t know what he would do if he was crying.

“Nephew,” he says in greeting, and his voice is rough. There’s no kettle on the counter, he notices absently, no ever-present smell of jasmine or chai or lavender. The apartment feels very cold without it. 

“Uncle,” he glances at the few discarded cups on the table and slides out of his shoes before he bends to pick them up, “How was your day?”

“Oh, it was wonderful,” Uncle says, “I was almost mugged,”

_“What?”_

Zuko listens as Uncle recounts the story, tells him about a crying child and earthbender boys and how nice the wind feels in the evening this time of year.

“How was the shop?” He asks afterwards, and Zuko hopes his wince isn’t noticeable.

“It was fine.” is all he says.

“My definition of fine, or yours?”

“Just…fine.” he says again, “Pao’s a teamaker too, believe it or not. It _is_ his shop.”

Uncle laughs softly, “It is, isn’t it. Sometimes I do like to fancy myself the heart of the place, though,” After a long moment, he sighs, “It’s gotten late without me noticing. These old bones should get to bed.”

Zuko nods in agreement, and puts a hand on Uncle’s arm when he reaches to put out the candles.

“I got it,” he says gently, “You go get some rest.”

Uncle looks at him for a moment, searching, and his eyes are very very tired, before he nods. “Alright, nephew. Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t,” he promises, “as long as you get some rest, too.”

Uncle smiles at that, “Goodnight, Zuko.”

It’s been so long since he’s called him by his actual name that it takes him by surprise, and then he’s surprised at how _much_ it took him by surprise. He doesn’t know how to feel about that—he doesn’t want to get used to his ‘new’ ( _fake_ ) name.

“Goodnight, Uncle,” he returns anyways. 

He listens to him paddle around for a few minutes before settling down in his bed. He listens to the sound of this city outside, still noisy in its own way, even at night.

He looks at the picture on the table, Lu Ten’s face flickering in the candlelight.

You should let yourself feel these things, Jet had said.

Zuko sighs, and sits, and closes his eyes, and lets himself miss his cousin.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a kitten is born w/ every comment


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He thinks about making some dumb comparison between the stars and his smile, but that’s not the way to win someone like Li over—and he’s not trying to, he’s really not.
> 
> (aka jet has a crush and everyone knows)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not super happy w/ how this chapter turned out bc i got to the end of it and realized that,,,,,nothing really happens?? but i'm rolling w/ it at this point bc i have two wild weeks before finals, so idk when i'll get the chance to work on this again. i'm super glad some ppl are enjoying it tho! it rlly means a lot
> 
> set a week or so after the 'go scratch your name into the clouds' and the last chapter

 

_Paint me all your pictures_

_Hang them on my wall_

 

It’s startling, a little, how quickly Jet lets himself fall into a routine. Routine is what keeps— _kept_ —everything running smoothly up in the trees; kids need _some_ kinda system to follow or it’ll be chaos. Of course, they also need to know how to work on the fly, but that didn't mean routine was a bad thing. 

Now, everything relies on routine—this entire damn city has a schedule it runs on, no matter what part of it you’re living in. It’s constantly busy, and crowded, and the people are packed together too tight, but they adapt, he and Bee and Longshot, because that’s one of the things they do best. They smile their way into a couple of jobs unloading carts and stacking boxes at one of those big suspicious warehouse-looking things near the Wall, and find a place to huddle up in one of the temporary refugee apartments, and no one seems to look up in this city so the roofs are something they have to themselves still. 

Jet’s thankful for that, at least, because even if the air is stuffy and dirty, he can see the sky. And the stars look the same, no matter where you are in the world.

There’s Li, too, which is nice. And he doesn’t mean for it to happen, but the guy becomes a big part his routine without either of them really realizing it. 

Jet looks after his own, first and foremost, and even if Li doesn’t ever want to admit it, he’s just like them, he’s angry and alone and lost and _just_ like Jet used to be, and so Jet won’t leave him alone to disappear in this city, couldn’t even if he wanted to. And well, he gets attached easily sometimes, he _knows_ he gets attached easily sometimes, especially when he stumbles across another kid with a hint of Fire in their Earth, but he’s been working on that ever since poor stupid Sneers died, since Katara and the Avatar showed up and yanked his head out of his ass.

Li’s made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with becoming a part of their group, and Jet respects that, even if he doesn’t know _why_ Li’s so against it. 

But there’s just—something about him. He uses his blades like they’re a part of him and looks like a lost koala-puppy when his uncle isn’t around and glares whenever anyone offers to help him with anything—he’s angry and alone and lost and is completely wasting his potential in a tea sop. 

And he thinks Li knows that, knows that Li would rather be out there making some kinda difference instead of serving strangers tea all day, just like Jet would rather be out there making some kinda difference instead of stacking boxes and counting out how many coins they need to buy dinner. But Jet sees him tense up whenever even his _uncle_ tries to help him with anything, and Jet gets that, understands that—there were kids he’d pick up who’d been fighting their whole lives, who were beat down and angry and would hate _anything_ you tried to do for them. Hell, its hard to get Li to let Jet help him with the _dishes_ ones night.

It’s not as hard to convince him to come out with him sometime, at least in theory. The days are very long here, and Li always looks very tired by the end of them. Jet’s always very tired by the end of them. It’s all mundane repetition, Li’s hands always stained with tea and Jets arms always aching and he thinks even someone as stubborn as Li would take any opportunity he could to get out of it.

(He says yes and Jet tries very very hard to ignore how much it feels like setting up a date.)

They don’t actually manage to go out the night after like they plan to, because Li had to stay late at the shop to unload boxes and sort shit or something, and they don’t find time the rest of the week because Jet’s job keeps him late and Li has this remarkable tendency to deny himself good things like taking days off or letting himself mourn the loss of his cousin.

Li’s maybe-they’re-not-sure-if-he’s-really-his-uncle is the one who makes it happen. Stops at Jet’s table while Li is busy serving the other ones and says “My nephew will be free tonight,” with a little conspiratory wink of his golden eyes. (He’s Fire, Jet knows. He’s Fire that’s hard to see behind his gray hair and smiles, but when you look close enough there are yellow yellow eyes and old hands that don’t shake. Every instinct he has screams at him to _fight run fight_ every time he approaches, but he reminds himself that this is Li’s maybe-uncle and they’re making a new start and the guy’s too old to be any kind of spy probably and he hasn’t done anything yet, just leaves out little pastries for Jet and Bee and Longshot and says he’s _so glad my Li is making friends here_ , and smiles a lot.)

Jet hints at it later, leans against the counter where Li takes orders and frowns a lot, and Li looks surprised and goes, “I’ll have to ask Uncle about it, but I guess the sounds good,” again, because as much as he makes a show of stomping around, Jet’s learned that the old man is the only one who can really tell him what to do.

Mushi makes a big show of acting surprised and thinking about it, but shoots Jet another wink when Li turns away.

“I’ll be off by six, probably,” Li says.

Jets smiles to mask whatever excitement his heartbeat has going on and says, “Cool. I can pick you up at seven, if that works.”

Li shrugs and says “Yeah, that works,” and Jet isn’t sure why he feels so accomplished right now because this isn’t some great feat or story he can tell around a fire later, but he feels like he’s just done the impossible. 

Bee raises a knowing eyebrow when Jet says he’s going out later, but doesn’t actually say anything, which Jet’s grateful for, because there’s nothing to say about anything. It’s not a date. Dates and fancy dinners and wasting money isn’t how you win over someone like Li—and he’s made it very clear he’s not to be won over, doesn’t wanna be a part of the Freedom Fighters, doesn’t want to be a part of anything, wants to go back to wherever he came from but can’t anymore.

And anyways, he’s not trying to win him over. He just thinks they both need to relax and Li needs to get out of the shop that’s slowly killing him and realize that Jet’s still not going anywhere, no matter how many times he scowls at him.

But see, Jet tries to ignore how much it feels like setting up a date, he really does. But it just. Feels so much like a date, especially the whole picking you up at seven bit, especially the whole I’ll have to ask uncle but that sounds good bit, especially the try really hard not to think about what it would be like to kiss him, with his apron and his frown and his gentle gentle way of handling tea cups.

Even harder to ignore with him running his hands through his short hair and leaning against the wall in front of his apartment building, shoulders relaxed in the way people relax when they believe they’re alone. He wonders what it would be like to kiss him, he wonders about that A Lot, and tries to ignore it, because he doesn’t even know if the other boy considers him a friend yet, let alone someone he would think about kissing. (He wonders if Li’s ever kissed anyone before.)

It isn’t a date, isn’t anything like a date–not that Jet’s been on many dates, growing up in the trees with a bunch of adopted siblings (that are gone now, that left because of him)—but he’s pretty sure this isn’t how dates go. Neither of them have any nice clothes to wear or extra money to waste, so they spend a few hours wandering around the lower ring and complaining about how damn crowded the place is and staring longingly at the food vendors. 

Jet asks where he’s from and Li gets all closed off and says it “doesn’t matter—it’s not like I can go back,” which throws Jet off a little bit, because he told him all about his dead cousin, but where he grew up is apparently off limits.

Jet tells him about the forest, about finding Bee and The Duke and Longshot and almost tells him about poor stupid Sneers, but then looks at his scar again and decides against it. Jet tells him about how nice the sky looks at night when you’re up high and close to the stars, and Li tells him that stars look nice in the middle of the sea, too. 

“Should’a told me that back on the ferry,” Jet says, and thinks that Li smiles, just a little bit, even if he looks away. 

(He thinks about making some dumb comparison between the stars and his smile, something he would say to someone like Katara without a second thought, but that’s not the way to win someone like Li over—and he’s not trying to, he’s really not. He also knows that if he said something like that, Li would think he was making fun of him—thinks the world’s out to get him, out to hurt him, and he doesn’t wanna scare Li off when he’s finally gotten somewhere with him.)

(So he doesn’t make the comparison, but he definitely thinks about it, and thinks about how bright his eyes are in the dark and how much they scream Fire and how much Jet isn’t afraid of them like he usually would be, because it’s Li.) 

And so it isn’t a date, because they don’t share any long romantic gazes or get any fancy food and Jet doesn’t walk him to the door or give him a goodbye kiss or any of that other stuff he’s heard about through stories, and Li's not that type of person, anyway, so Jet can't picture him enjoying any of those things.

It isn’t a date, because dates aren’t the way to win over someone like Li, but it’s fun all the same. 

This city is more of a prison than a refuge, and wandering through it makes that fact more evident than even, but Jet still feels lighter than he has in a long time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment 2 save a life
> 
> (and if u ever wanna talk to me abt these boys come bother me on [tumblr](http://spxcetooru.tumblr.com/) whenever)


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